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Fraternals face friction. There can be no doubt. Depth happens in relationships. Unfortunately, so does pain. Recently, at a gathering of Christian men, this question was posed: What are the challenges you face in developing close fraternal relationships with men you can trust? All agreed on the importance of 1, 2, or 10 of these close relationships. All agreed there are challenges to securing and sustaining such relationships. So our men’s gathering turned into a think tank for a morning. And I’m pleased to report our findings in hopes that you will overcome these four challenges to close brotherly relationships.
Challenge #1 Being Truthful. It’s not so much that we’re liars, but rather, we’re hiders. As men, we want to appear like we’ve got it together. “Our image” is everything. We worry, “What will he think if he finds out I’m not the man he thought I was?” So we are elusive, insular. It makes sense but this life approach is ineffective. We take the easy way out by avoiding the pain but we also avoid the prospect of closer relationships, and of profound growth. Meaningful connection requires a measure of transparency. Solution? Our group reminded each other of this bulletin: This just in! Sinners still sin! We are all sinners and it’s helpful to say so. Be truthful.
Challenge #2 Finding Time. There never seems to be extra time. There are too many tasks at the end of the time. Finding time to be together with like-minded Christian men is a hurdle unto itself. Praise be to God for the lay men in any church who organize the men’s gatherings, retreats, breakfasts, or any time together. But what good is an organizer without equally devoted participants? We decided to view men’s gathering more like preciously fleeting opportunities similar to a graduation ceremony (where if you miss it, there’s no redo) rather than viewing men’s gatherings like a ball game (where if you miss it, there’s another one tomorrow). We prioritize our time to fit the things we think are important: family, church, friends… So we will prioritize close relationships as we discover their importance. Time is limited. Solution? Make time.
Challenge #3 Choosing Wisely.
A brother commented that we can entrust ourselves to the wrong men. Proverbs 13:20 states that the companions of fools will suffer while he who walks with the wise will be wise. One brother literally makes time to go for a ‘walk’ with a wise man every month. Just as an introvert may struggle to express himself, an extrovert may over express to the wrong men. Pick your brothers wisely. Walk with the wise. To quote a biblical metaphor, choose not cast your truthful pearls before proverbial swine. Take care to prayerfully discern who is a worthy friend. Then be that worthy friend, too. How do I identify worthy friends? Run the choice through this questionnaire: Do we agree doctrinally? Are values shared? Are we rowing our life’s boats in the same direction? Co-workers are a good place to start looking for friends but don’t confuse the need to earn an income with shared beliefs. Churches, typically, not work, are places people voluntarily unite around shared belief. At work, people mandatorily unite around earned income. Solution? You need to have levels of transparency—levels that determine what you share with whom. And even if you’ve had fits and starts in friendship (who hasn’t?), invest in one once again. Learn wisdom. Choose wisely.
Challenge #4 Bumpy Roads.
Just because you have a misunderstanding with someone you’ve chosen to pursue a fraternal with does not mean you should give up on that relationship altogether. As far as the curse is found, men offend other men. When faced with offense, men tend to just withdraw rather than talk issues through. Also, you may harm the relationship by expecting too much growth too fast, and vice versa. Be in the relationship for the sake of the relationship—not just for perceived benefits (though there are many!). Jesus Christ chose to relate with you for no initial benefit unto Himself—other than he valued that relationship, with you, with ya’ll, with His people, with the church. In Christ, you can like me for me, just plain ole ‘me.’ Close relationships are forged not forced. Value them. Invest in them. We sing a song with the lyric: my sins they are many, His mercy is more. Our mercy can be more with one another. Mend a fraternal. One parental sage said of her kids that there are few problems that a good stroll, snack, sleep or shower won’t solve. It’s true of adults too. Sometimes we need to pause from outrage long enough to stroll, snack, sleep, shower. Most our the time our haste makes waste in relationships. When frustrated with one another, when the relational road gets bumpy, instead of complaining about the highway crew needing to fix the pot holes, just slow down. Realize that roads are deteriorating from the moment they are laid—that this is the nature of the world in which we live. Out of the curse, God is bringing blessings, showers of blessings, and he does so via relationship. In fact, God so loves us and hates sin that he died to fix the hopelessly broken vertical relationship between you and Him. If He can model that for us then we can model Him for them. If friction will cause you to withdraw from meaningful communication, you’ll not forge a close relationship. Solution? Give grace.
To the men who anonymously contributed to this article, you know who you are, thank you. Thank you for often being a better friend than I. Thank you for forging a fraternal by overcoming challenges like the four outlined in this article. You know what joy some of us are only beginning to experience in relationship truthfulness, time spent, wise choices, and bumpy blessings. Going it alone pales in comparison to going together. Fraternals face friction. But depth happens here. You were meant for closer relationships. What challenges would you add to this list of four?
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